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Wednesday, May 23, 2007 at 3:33 pm
All my life I’ve wanted to have a job that paid me ridiculously well regardless of performance. In that regard, my career has been a gross and total failure. Every year things get harder and harder, and nobody cuts me no slack. When I screw up, I get poleaxed. When things go well, I get a raise that makes perfect sense to anybody worried about corporate governance. It’s always been that way, but I’m not complaining. I guess I’m doing all right. I am not, however, making enough money to buy the entire economic output of Sierra Leone. I don’t even want whatever that is. Good luck to them with it. I do, on the other hand, want a two bedroom apartment in Manhattan. I’d have to mortgage my left leg to do it, though. That’s because I’m not running a hedge fund. Hedge fund managers take a tasty little bite out of every dollar they manage, whether they’re successful in growing their clients’ ostrich eggs of capital or not. They do better, of course, if they do produce profits, but even if they don’t, two percent of a zillion dollars is still a couple of quadrillion. There’s very little downside, is what I’m saying. Big upside. No downside. That sounds like my kind of job. My problem is I don’t really understand the technology. For instance, the concept of going short or long has been explained to me almost as many times as I’ve received instruction in the game of craps, with approximately the same result. I don’t even know enough to play. I understand that hedge funds deal with tiny fractions of a dollar, turning them into wads of crisp green. My fractions of dollars tend to stay that way. I’m not giving up, though. I figure with hard work and sustained intellectual effort, I could become a very, very bad hedge fund manager… producing in several years of deplorable results only a small winery in Sonoma rather than the 2500 acre estate in Tuscany that would be the reward for the hedge fund manager who actually knew what he was doing. That’s all right. I could deal with that kind of failure. I’ve always been willing to pay the price for my own shortcomings, and the hedge fund game seems like one willing to mete out the kind of punishments I’ve always felt I deserved. References available upon request. The great thing: anyone can be a hedge fund manager. All you need is the ability to convice 20 people to each invest $100 million with you for 12 months. Go. Posted By Tim, Jacksonville FL : May 23, 2007 4:35 pm
Judging by your idiotic rambling which is rich in baseless assertion and distortion and poor in concrete facts, I find it highly doubtful that you could scrape up enough money to fund an E trade account. Posted By HF, New York, NY : May 23, 2007 4:41 pm
At least this James Simons guy can give me hope for my future. I really wasnt sure where I was gonna find myself after I receive my PhD in math in a few years. Now it is clear, I am to become a hedge fund manager Posted By gonzales, Los Alamos, NM : May 23, 2007 4:42 pm
You will need some considerable better qualifications for helping people understand why they should trust you with their money = after all it is someone’s money you are managing and those demands on credentials are pretty steep regardless how much money is curently being “hedged.” Posted By Rodge G, NY NY : May 23, 2007 5:07 pm
At least you won’t feel guilty in the end, when hedge funds bring down our entire economy. Posted By Chaz, New York, New York : May 23, 2007 5:24 pm
If John Edwards and Chelsey Clinton can be on hedge fund teams, anybody can! What a scam. Posted By Joseph C, San Diego, CA : May 23, 2007 5:25 pm
Looks like everyone who has commented caught the joke. Posted By Goulet, Vegas : May 23, 2007 5:29 pm
Warren Buffett has said it all in recent speeches at the Berkshire Hathaway annual shareholders’ meeting. Hedge fund managers are one of the most egregious examples of the “helpers” Buffett cites — the folks who want to “help” everyone manage their money for a large fee. And the payoff! Wow! 2% plus 20% of profits if the “investments” go your way is typical, EVERY YEAR. In a bad year, you “only” get 2%. Bigger names and reputations get even more. And this is all LEGAL! What I want to know is, given all the scholarly research that supports the markets being (at least nearly) efficient, and the benefits of low costs and solid disclosure the best mutual funds provide (Vanguard being the model family showing the way thanks to Jack Bogle) — WHY oh WHY do people with enough money invest in hedge funds DO SO, given the huge cost and information disadvantage? Is intelligence completely thwarted by greed? Is there always a new generation of suckers who will only learn by the harsh mistress of experience? Posted By Roger, Lexington KY : May 23, 2007 5:47 pm
Breathing is more difficult than managing a hedge fund. Go for it. Posted By Yadgyu, Harkeyville, TX : May 23, 2007 6:19 pm
Do you have alist of comapnies that might offer internships?? Posted By Anonymous : May 23, 2007 6:22 pm
Ok, the people leaving the comments on this site need to realize that this little article was said with a complete tongue-in-cheek. Posted By Jeff, Montclair, NJ : May 23, 2007 6:36 pm
This is a terrible article and really makes it sound like your just jealous and ignorant. Hedge funds are not the only investment product that has fees. Look at the wonderful mutual fund mangers that are paid reguardless of perfomance. In a hedge fun they have to perform or the money is removed. Another great thing about Hedge funds is many fund mangers put their money where there mouth is. anyways. Posted By Carl, Atanta, GA : May 23, 2007 7:26 pm
What a sissy article. Says nothing and means nothing. Sounds like a hedge fund manager trying to discourage everyone from getting into the game. The reality is that few people even know what a hedge fund is, and if you do, you could probably start one of your own. Posted By Daniello, Phoenix, AZ : May 23, 2007 8:13 pm
This article and the antifreeze one are hilarious. Sure your missing a lot of the details and requirements of running a hedge fund but its still funny. A lot of mutual funds are also like that in the sense that even if they lose investors money the managers will still make what many consider “a killing.” Posted By Chris, Ames, IA : May 23, 2007 8:22 pm
This article is a great example of entertainment-driven journalism that is destroying America’s future. Posted By MS, Seattle, WA : May 23, 2007 8:53 pm
I just wasted 5 minutes. Posted By John, Boston, MA : May 23, 2007 9:47 pm
If hedge fund managers, CEOs and their sycophants, investment bankers peddling questionable deals and management consultants earned even a tiny fraction of the loot they manage to rip off, this country would not be in the current state of deficits of every kind. Posted By Jaswant Singh, Santa Clarita, CA : May 23, 2007 9:55 pm
LoL! Funny Posted By SLC, UT : May 23, 2007 9:58 pm
I’m sorry. I seem to have offended a number of hedge managers. Only gonzales in Los Alamos, NM, didn’t blow up at me. Yes, I realize you have to be very persuasive and confident of your abilities to take $100,000,000 from people and turn it into $122,000,000 in one year. I’m just saying that even if you didn’t, if it just laid there like a lox and made not one nickle, you’d still be entitled to a small island someplace. And incidentally, the fact that you are persuasive doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not potentially as witless as I, who have absolutely no knowledge whatsoever (although perhaps not quite as often). Posted By bing : May 23, 2007 11:04 pm
This is also why people should never invest in mutual funds and should learn to manage their own money. If stock prices drop along with personal assets, fund managers blame market conditions but they still get their fat paychecks and bonuses (What percentage of fund managers got canned and financially penalized after the dot-com bust?). If the market goes up, fund managers ride the wave and collect their fat paychecks and bigger bonuses. It’s a giant scam and a lot of people fall prey to the immense amount of propaganda (They don’t call it Motley Fool for nothing). Posted By KAZ, Mesa AZ : May 23, 2007 11:36 pm
Why pay massive fees to anyone. Just get a trading account and follow advisory web sites like free http://www.mutualfundstockcondo.com . Posted By George Smith, New York, New York : May 24, 2007 3:59 am
Pointless article that contains no content, not even for entertainment value. You’re apparently jealous of something you don’t even pretend to understand? As others have mentioned, the Posted By BDog, Boston, MA : May 24, 2007 9:48 am
The H*LL with Hollywood! I want to be a hedge fund manager! Even before I read this article I wanted to be a hedge fund manager. Shame on me for wanting to be a hedge fund manager. Posted By Lisa Mason, Houston, TX : May 24, 2007 9:50 am
I guess I should of gotten my MBA instead of a Video Degree from an art school. It’s not like I was able to use my degree for anything. Posted By libby, seattle-wa : May 24, 2007 11:39 am
A small Sonoma winery is the CONSOLATION PRIZE? Have you seen the price of Cabernet Sauvignon grapes recently, Stanley? I’m no defender of the hedge fund industry. In addition to those fees, they’re notoriously opaque. Often, the charring of investors’ wallets is the only signal of a fund’s immolation. If you use ‘alpha’ — the ‘excess return’ earned by a manager’s skill — as a yardstick, mutual fund managers, for the most part, are also excessively compensated. A bit of math is needed to divine the true cost of a mutual fund’s alpha (explained here: http://registeredrep.com/mag/finance_getting_pay/index.html), but once you cipher it, your appetite for index funds just might increase. Posted By Doc, Sonoma CA : May 25, 2007 10:40 am
Given all that, is it feasible or not? Posted By cobblestone, NY : May 25, 2007 11:45 am
No need to be a hedge fund manager, Just go to http://HobbyIn2Wealth.com to get the secrets in wealth building since thousands years ago. Posted By Ronald, Boston, MA : July 17, 2007 12:44 am
I am in the same boat as the writer. I spent the first 20 years after college drinking excessively, being indiscriminately promiscuous, and working at jobs where there was absolutely no chance of ever getting ahead. I was ok with that until a relative of mine got rich by working alot less per day, but making large chunks of money from personal injuries that other people suffered. Now all of a sudden I am jealous, although I don’t want to change my slothful ways, I still want to be very rich and manage a hedge fund, or just find a billion dollars in cash or bearer bonds. Life is the stuff dreams are made of I guess. Posted By Paul, Portland, Oregon : September 1, 2007 9:46 pm
I enjoy reading this articles, thanks for sharing. Posted By hedge funds, NY : September 16, 2007 5:02 am
One certain hedge fund manager managed to make $1.3B in 2006. Yes, thats Billion, and yes that was his own personal income for 2006. Posted By Tony S. – Boca Raton, FL : September 27, 2007 10:32 am
This is a quite funny blog. You obviously have no clue what the hell your talking about you can’t just magically become a hedge fund manager. You must not understand that there is major down sides. You can get a lot of money but you can loose a lot to. My grandpa is a hedge fund manager and he worked his ass off to be were he is now. you expect to just hop on the band wagon and become a hedge fund manager because they make loads of money. But if you don’t know what your doing be prepared to be crushed because if a stock blows up and you lose 20 million. you will need to know how to pull your self out of that inflection point. It’s not an easy job at all. My point is you can gain money as well as loose it be carefully what you want. But then again I’m only 16 and what the hell do i know. Good Luck. Posted By Edward Fredrick Waldron VII : October 22, 2007 10:37 pm
It’s funny and Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. ForexCTAs Posted By ForexCTAs ,La Cadena,Ca : November 7, 2007 12:42 am
I actually think you should shoot for mutual fund management instead. Hedge Funds are actually paid mostly on performance while mutual funds are only paid based on the amount of assets under management. They really don’t have as much incentive to perform over time. - Richard Posted By Richard Wilson, NYC : March 1, 2008 7:34 pm
Hey MS in Seattle: Funny… “entertainment-driven journalism” As opposed to left-wing political agenda-driven journalism that is the mainstream media (and Conservative right-wing agenda driven talk radio, to be fair). If you think anyone is media is truly objective you eithe don’t pay attention or aren’t smart enough to know better. I doubt anyone here would confused Bing’s attempt at humor and self-deprecation as “journalism.” If you can’t tell the difference then you have a problem. I’d recommend getting your head out of the Democrat party’s ass and think for yourself. Posted By Horio, Dover, NH : March 2, 2008 10:00 pm
y’know if you actually work hard and get your name known, then you will get more clients, you cant expect people to just give you money because you want to try out hedge funds, they want an experienced hedge fund manager, and I promise you they will do their homework. If you decide to work hard and you actually get a bunch of clients even more people will come. who knows if you implement this you just might make 3.6 billion a year like the top dogs… Posted By Tommy, Atlanta, Ga : April 15, 2008 5:18 pm
Certainly a JOKE. One must at the very least achieve the credentials to compete. It is Obvious by what was imparted, you are too LAZY to accomplish this. Posted By M. Rellim Seattle, Wa. : June 27, 2008 4:21 am
DO you need a college degree? Posted By mrsfgd7i8oyuipsm : July 29, 2008 9:42 am
I’m satrting a Hedge Fund, Invest for no money down!!! Posted By D. Koon, Indianapolis, In : August 1, 2008 11:25 am
Do you ned a high skool deploma or a GDE? Its cause I can git two of dem if you ned me tah. Posted By H. Billy, Blue Grass city, KY : August 17, 2008 10:35 pm
You’re an idiot! Posted By Jimmy DeMoney : March 9, 2009 10:58 am
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Stanley Bing
Stanley Bing is a Fortune columnist and best-selling author of business books noted for their wisdom as well as their sharp, slightly acrid sense of humor. He is also the only writer on business and the workplace who still puts on a suit and tie and goes to do battle with the dragons that breathe fire at corporate America every day. This blog captures what remains of his brain after it has exploded in all other directions.
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If Madeline Albright, not to mention the not-so-bright people I went to school with, can be hedge fund managers, so can you! And when it blows up, you just start again with new suckers, I mean investors.