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He wants you to watch his back.

What am I to say to you people? Many of you get it. The rest of you? God help you.

You really hated the idea, for instance, that you have to be somewhere when the Boss needs you. Ooh! Ouch!

Then you were informed that you had to dress for the job. That went down a little smoother, as did the idea that you needed to tell the truth most of the time. I was kind of disappointed that you didn’t freak out over that stuff.

What are you going to say now, when I tell you that your boss expects you to care about his skin? The guy would throw you under a bus if he or she had to! How dare he?

Well anyhow… he does. She does. They do.

When Caesar was being stabbed to death by a large group of his senior managers, it was the cut made by Brutus, the reportee he trusted most, that hurt the worst.

When Howard Hughes had lost his mind, and had sealed himself inside a luxurious tomb high above Las Vegas, he relied on his trusted lieutenants to make sure business got done and that no germs were permitted to attack him.

When Richard Nixon was spiraling down into full-bore paranoia, he had two pit bulls named Haldeman and Erlichmann to watch his door, share his ravings, keep him inside the lines as much as possible.

This is perhaps why I continue to wonder what life inside the White House will be like for our current President without his faithful Rove. I don’t feel sorry for the guy, by the way. But I still wonder.

It’s hard to be the boss, precisely for the reasons some people think it’s not. You have some power. You have some freedom. You don’t have to worry about a lot of the things guys on the lower levels stay up sweating about. But some power is not absolute power. Some freedom is not enough. And the things that make you bolt upright at three in the morning are the kinds of monsters that chew your guts and spit them out, not just muss your hair a little.

You get to the office and people want, want, want. Big problems come up and you have to find solutions, or at least look like you have some idea of how to do so. You run here. You run there. And always, behind you, in the weeds, in your blind spot as you’re driving at 80 miles an hour down the road, there are enemies, fools, huge beasts with pointy fangs, and the shadow of your own potential incompetence crossing the sun.

Of course you need loyal, kind, intelligent, honest, appropriately-dressed, supremely competent individuals who don’t go on vacation during your busiest week to watch your back!




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You should always watch your boss’ back twice as diligently when you’re stabbing it lest hesheit turn about and pounce upon you with claws extended (especially right after you’ve been on vacation).

Posted By Tom, Wimington NC : August 21, 2007 10:57 am

That’s awesome and soo true!

Posted By Anonymous : August 21, 2007 11:02 am

totally true series, BIng!

I’m a consultant, and unfortunately that means that at any point in time I have at least three bosses:

Boss 1 – the guy senior to me in my practice, and who (primarily)decides if I’m partner material or not
Boss 2 – the guy senior to me on a client engagement (and there’s *always* someone senior, even if you *own* the engagement)
Boss 3 – The client (steering committee, senior exec, or what have you).

My biggest challenge is when they don’t agree on factor X: which may be anything at all.

My practice lead wants high billables

My client lead wants repeat business from the client, so he wants high deliverables

My client just wants everything for as little as possible – and he always wants the ‘A’ team.

How the hell do I deliver on that?

By following your rules:

Be there (make sure they ALL know where I’m going to be, and that they are ALL important to me, individually)
Look right (I need to exude professional competence, but when my client is totally laid back west coat, that can often mean a really nice golf shirt with a sport coat)
Be Honest (make sure I keep them appraised of everything relevant, and always be ready with the ‘elevator speech’)
Be aware (looking out for my client’s interestes, my practice’s interests, and my ‘client partner’ interests do not always intersect – but navigatine that path is the path to the higher reaches of consulting…)

And by the way – I’ve always thought your writing both laugh-out-loud funny, and incisively accurate – anyone would think you actually worked for a living!

Posted By Tony, Atlanta GA : August 21, 2007 11:27 am

Dear Stanley – please publish a book with these “rules” so that I can start passing this information out to clueless masses that do not understand why they aren’t being promoted….

I am in an office aside a large conference room (at this very moment as I type) where the executive extraordinaire I support is hosting a quarterly “team” meeting. I printed off this particular series of articles weeks ago in anticipation of this very moment. The Outlook invite and the Agenda clearly stated “Breakfast served 7am – Meeting begins 7:30am” – I sat here watching the clueless and less ambitious of the species stroll in just shy of 8am dressed like it was “casual Friday” (I’ve never seen the executive I support in anything less than a suit and tie) It was like connecting the dots….I handed the corresponding article to the appropriate passing party as they went into the meeting…in some cases of course I had to email the “vacation” article to those out on vacation.

I might as well have just stapled a resume service phone number or a list of middle management recruiters to the article…because I really feel that if I drew stick figures…performed a puppet show or perhaps S-P-E-L-L-E-D it out – these folks wouldn’t get it. Of course these are the same folks that act victimized at review time.

Of course in the spirit of self accountability – who am I – sitting here and typing on company time….

Posted By C, Montclair, NJ : August 21, 2007 1:48 pm

Y’know, Stanley, I was prepared to let the vacation thing go, but you keep bringing it up, so you asked for this. You say “God help you” to those of us who “[r]eally hated the idea, for instance, that you have to be somewhere when the Boss needs you.”

First of all, you are misrepresenting what a lot of the beef was about. The beef was not about the basic concept that you need to be where you are needed. The beef was about your apparent passive-aggressive management style in telling “Mark” that he needed to be there only after the fact. After your lousy attempt to justify your behavior by fleshing out the circumstances that you had utterly failed to mention in your initial entry (you never mentioned to us (let alone to “Mark”) that earnings week is an especially eventful time in your world; he SHOULD have known, even if he DIDN’T; and he shouldn’t have taken a vacation right then, even if one was “well-earned”), you still fail to grasp what the fuss was really all about.

I think you should look at the generally agreeable responses to your next three episodes (dress, honesty, and watching the boss’s back) and realize that your readership really isn’t anti-work, and that we very largely “get it.” Given that context, I think it’s obvious that it was you, and not us, who needs God’s help when it comes to that first entry in “what your boss expects of you.”

Now, do you want to continue complaining about how you were misunderstood (or worse, that you were actually “right”), or do you want to get on with rest of this serial?

Posted By Steve, Charleston, WV : August 22, 2007 2:32 pm

Thanks Bing, good stuff.
I have over the past several months seen serious pressure put on a Boss of Bosses here where I work and it is painful to see him sweat it out. You can see some of his Lieutenants jumping in here and there to take a bullet or two but you can see others in his division who don’t even notice what is going down. It is obvious who will be rewarded with future promotions and bonuses if he survives. The others may not be malicious, just clueless.

You present this stuff in such an entertaining way it is easy to forget how real it all is.

Looking forward to Part Five: Every dog must have a new trick (what made you a hero last year will not make you a hero this year)

Posted By Dude in Boise, ID : August 22, 2007 3:21 pm

Okay, Steve, I’ll get on with it.

Posted By thebingblog : August 22, 2007 5:52 pm

Crazy is what crazy was?.Billions mean cold WAR top weapons contractor.RUSSIA cuba missles Remember?.Plane crashes mean skin grafts and skin grafts mean infections and infections mean lost fingers and toes.Germ warfare,nuke,radar,satellite age wake up and smell the truth cover up murder off x billions% ripped off.

Posted By Howard robard hughes IIV palm beach FL : January 3, 2008 8:15 am

What BOSS? who has a boss? now days?.Too much bing andf no bong.Crazy was is hwat crazy?,stock mraket over now thats crazy but to be after all.

Posted By HRHIIV palm beach : October 10, 2008 7:45 am

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Stanley Bing
Stanley Bing is a Fortune columnist and best-selling author of business books noted for their wisdom as well as their sharp, slightly acrid sense of humor. He is also the only writer on business and the workplace who still puts on a suit and tie and goes to do battle with the dragons that breathe fire at corporate America every day. This blog captures what remains of his brain after it has exploded in all other directions.
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