22. You have the right to talk to any airline employee you choose so long as you remember that s/he had to fail a minimum of five (5) lie-detector tests before being hired.

23. You have the right to be told by Delta that your flight from Atlanta to Tulsa is canceled because “Tulsa is under a tornado alert,” this on a mid-December day when there was not a cloud in the sky over Tulsa.

24. You have the right to escape terminal and plane bedlam by buying a lifetime membership in the AA Admirals Club and now be surrounded by screaming, out-of-control children about whose behavior their parents couldn’t care less because “kids have rights.”

25. You have the right at O’Hare to be patted down by TSA when you stopped and asked an airport rent-a-cop standing over 100′ from the nearest security point for help in finding a restroom at the airport.

26. You have the right to be screamed at and called an “a–hole” by a U.S. Scareways baggage employee @ Richmond Airport when you inquired when your bags might arrive at that airport.

27. You have the right to fly in First Class from DFW to Richmond with a child screaming non-stop at the top of his lungs the entire way while the parents make never a gesture to walk the child, silence the child, or apologize to anyone in First Class.

28. You have the right to know that all fired airline executives go to work in the cell-phone business.

29. You have the right to know that no senior airline executive ever flies on anything other than a private jet.

22. You have the right to pay half, in inflation-corrected dollars, of what you paid for equivalent travel before deregulation (you have the right to thank the Carter administration for that wonderful move).

23. You have the right to join 128 other passengers in acting like South American soccer fans in verbally (and sometimes physically) abusing every airline employee in sight when weather, maintenance or a dozen other legitimate reasons cause flights to be cancelled or delayed.

24. You have the right to buy a share in NetJets and totally avoid the bargain of commercial airline travel.

Look, none of us like the situation. I’m an (early) retiree and former major airline pilot. I’m the guy who gets the last seat—on the rare occasion there is one—after all revenue passengers, misconnects, frequent flyer redeemers and every active employee and her 7 children grab theirs. My reward for 25 years of scratch-and-injury-free service was to get my pension terminated, and tens of thousands of still active employees (at least those who weren’t furloughed) took absurd pay cuts and benefit reductions so you all could enjoy your absurdly low fares and the packed airplanes they produced. What hasn’t been produced? Reliable profits. So be thankful that the system continues to somehow struggle along in spite of lots of warts. It’s a lot like Democracy—the worst possible system, except for all the rest.

21. If you are brown-skinned or are overheard speaking any language other than English, you have the right to be all-but-cavity-searched in front of everyone at the security checkpoint by a TSA employee who can barely make a full sentence (in English or any language). Protesting this treatment may cause repeated searches, questioning, or detention. (It’s still happening, people.)

22. You have the right to any newspaper, book, or magazine in the terminal that has been left unattended for more than three seconds.

23. You have the right to the space your buttocks are applied to, but not to any corresponding space that your back, head, hands, or feet would then be touching if you sat comfortably. If you forget this right, other passengers will quickly and helpfully remind you.

Jim

You have the right to provide alcoholic beverages to the passanger next to you, until they pass out, in an attempt to shut off their A/C, which at full blast, has been pointed straight at you for the past 2 hours.