NEW YORK, April 29, 2008: Observers of the business scene were aghast today, when it appeared there was in fact no breaking news to fill the pipeline. “There’s news,” said one analyst who declined to be named because he was unauthorized to speak by his senior management, which is now considered an adequate source by most of the print media. “But it’s not really breaking. It may be doing other things. But breaking? No.”

A quick scan of the headlines revealed the unique situation. Stories covered as if they were breaking by a variety of media outlets included:

• Foreclosures rocketing up more than 100%;
• American Airlines losing millions of dollars a day;
• Mars buying Wrigley for $23 billion;
• Fed expected to lower rates again;
• Oil down a bit on easing of supply;

“Each of these events, while interesting, cannot really be classified as ‘breaking news’ per se,” said P. Spagnold Verbalot, the media pundit best known for being a media pundit. “Take the news on foreclosures, for instance,” he continued. “That’s really not breaking. It’s sort of seeping out and collecting in a gooey mass around our feet. And American Airlines (AMR)? It’s been losing money just about every day for a long time. The fact that somebody estimated the loss may be news of some sort, but not breaking news, possibly cracking, or rumbling, but breaking, I think not.”

Similarly, analysts analyzing the paucity of analyzable material opined that while Mars purchasing Wrigley (WWY) is in fact news, it was reported yesterday, when it actually “broke,” making today’s coverage simply that — coverage of information previously noted, with some augmentation of data to fill up space that would, in happier times, be dedicated to advertising. The same could be said for the rest of today’s reported news both in the political, financial and lifestyle arenas, where much was written about, but little enjoyed genuine breakage.

“We’re hoping for a better day tomorrow,” said a spokesman for the American Society of Journalists Exhausted by the Incessant Need to Fabricate Breaking Stories (ASJEINFBS), “but it’s difficult to predict when anything is going to break again. We’re hopeful, though. And pretty good at doing it the other way.”