Galleries
Tags
20 Questions Abraham Lincoln Abuse of Executive Power Abuse of Power Addiction Adult ADD Aggravation Airline Travel Allen & Co. Alzheimer's Amazon american airlines Anna Nicole Smith Annoying Employees AOL Apologies Apple Armageddon Arnold Schwarzenegger Ask Bing Assistants Attila the Hun Augustus bad days Bad puns Bank of America bank write downs Barry Bonds Bear Stearns Bebo beef filets Ben Franklin Bernanke Bert Fingerhut Big Bad Corporations Big Fish Games Bill Gates Bill O'Reilly Bing Awards bing recommends Bing Videos bingstuff Bipolar BlackBerry Bluetooth Bobby Flay body language bogus dudes Bonds Boneheads Bono Book Stores books Booze Booze in First Class Bosses Boy Scouts Brand Loyalty Brazil Brian Greene Britney Britney Spears BS bsjobs Bulls**t Jobs business dinners business ideas Business Language Business Life Business Media Business Stories of the Year business travel Buzzwords Caesar call to action Capitalism Carbon Footprint Careers Celebrity Meltdowns CES Character Character Issue Chauncey Gardiner Cheese balls China Chuck Prince Citibank Citigroup Clone Monkeys Cloud computing cnnmoney Complisults computers Consultants Consumerism Corporate Apologies corporate culture Corporate Retreats Corporate Sanity cost of housing Countrywide coyotes Crazy Bosses crazybosses Creative Capitalism Credit Suisse cubicles Cutbacks Dalai Lama David Beckham Davos Debt Depression Designer Stubble Diabetes Dictator of the Week Diets digital elph Digital solutions to analog problems Dracula Drunken Excess Duke Nukem Dumbest Moments EBay Economic Stimulus Edith Piaf electronic communications Eliot Spitzer Elvis in Business Elvis! Emeril Employee Dementia eOnline Equity Euphemisms Excellence Excessive Exit Packages Executive Compensation Executive Dementia Executricks F. Scott Fitzgerald Fables Facebook Fannie Mae Father's Day Fathers FEMA's response to hurricane Katrina Fidel Castro Financial Times Flight Attendants Foreign Investment Fox News Freddie Mac Fried Chicken Fungibility Game Theory gas prices Gen-X Gen-Y Gen-Zero General Electric George Soros George W. Bush George Washington Getting a raise Global Warming Gluten Good Guys Good News in Bad Times Goofing Off Google Grammar Greed Greenware Grocery Stores Hans Christian Anderson Happy Trends Hardware Stores Harry Potter Harvard Business School Harvard Community Health Plan Health Care Health Plans Heart Disease Heath Ledger Hedge Fund Managers Hedge Funds Heidi Klum Henry Ford heparin Highlights for Children Hitler HMOs Holiday Cheer Holiday Parties Home Depot hot nuts How to Get A Promotion Howard Hughes Human Genome Human Misery IBM Ideas for Warren Buffett Illegal Firing of Attorneys General Immigration Impostors inflation Information in the Digital Realm Insourcing inspirational stories Insurance Companies Interest Rate Cuts Investment Advice Investment Trends IPhone IPod IQ Iran ITunes J.P. Morgan Jack Welch Japanese Corporations Jargon Jerks Jerry Yang JFK John Ford John Keats John Mackey John McCain John Stewart John Wayne Johnny Walker Red Josef Stalin Journalism JP Morgan Chase Karl Rove Kazaa Kenneth Lay King Kong Kurasawa Larry Craig Las Vegas Leonard Cohen Leopard OS Lindsay Lohan LinkedIn litigation London Lord Voldemort Los Angeles Love at the Office Loyalty Lying Mac Air Macadamia Nuts MacBook Air Macbook Pro Machiavelli Macy's malware Marilyn Monroe Marketing Marketing breakthroughs Marketing In Your Face Marvel Comics Massive writedowns Materialism Maxim Magazine Maybach MBIA McKinsey mediabistro.com Meeting Narcolepsy Memorial Day Mergers Merrill Lynch Microsoft Microsoft Outlook Mike the Headless Chicken Misogyny Mitch McConnell MMORPGs Mob Behavior Moguls Monday Morning monetizing celebrity Monster.com Motivational Issues Murphy Bed MySpace Nano Technology Napster Narcissists National Boss's Day Netscape new year's New Year's Resolutions New York Nigeria Nintendo Non-Fungibility Olestra on the road Oprah Organization theory Organizational Life OS X 10.5 OS X Leopard Osama Bin Laden Panic Paris Hilton Peeves Personal Injury Lawyers Personal Integrity Petaluma pets Physician's Desk Reference planes Pogo Poisoned Toothpaste Politics Possible solutions to air travel crises Powerpoint President for Life of Turkmenistan Pretentious Buttheads price of automobiles price of gasoline Price of Oil Productivity Public Disgrace Quality Quizzes Quote of the Day Rabbits on the golf course Rachael Ray Random Acts of Spending Real Estate Values Recession Richard Gere Richard Nixon Rick Wagoner Right brain function RLS Robert Nardelli Robotics Root Canal San Francisco Santa Claus Saparmurat Niyazov 1940 -- 2006 Scary Bosses Scary Trends Second Life Second thoughts Security Analysts Self-Inflicted Injuries Self-Promotion Shakespeare Side Effects Silver Linings Small Pleasures Snail Mail social networking Sony Sony Playstation 3 South Park Sovereign Wealth Funds Stalin Stan O'Neal Stanford Starbuck's Steve Ballmer Steve Jobs Steven Seagal stinky coworker Strategies Stupid Contests Stupid deals Sub-Prime Loans Sudoku Summer Vacation Sun Valley Super Bowl Super Tuesday System Administrators technoid drivel Ted Casablanca TGIF Thanksgiving The 3:10 to Yuma The Black Crowes The Collared Peccary The Dollar The Economist The Euro The Fantastic Four The Fed The Four Seasons The Four Seasons bar The Housing Market The Killer Quotient The New York Times The Oscars The Rudeness Police The Silver Surfer The Stock Market The Tata The Value of Money the War in Iraq Things I Want You To Do Things That Are Gone Tibet Time Warner Time Zone Meltdown TMZ Tom Peters Toyota Prius Trends Trollope Tropical Fish Truth tuna fish Twinkies Uncategorized Uncontrollable Urges United Fruit unwelcome marketing intrusions into daily existence Urban Legends Vacation Value of the Dollar Vampire Zombies Vanity Fair Venture Capitalists Verizon Verne Troyer Virtual Economy Wachovia Wal-Mart Wall Street Walt Kelly War in Iraq Warcraft Warren Buffet Warren Buffett Warren Spector Wealth Web Madness Weird Things We Eat Westinghouse Wetware Wharton What Your Boss Expects of You Whistling past the graveyard Who Is To Blame Whole Foods Wikipedia Woody Allen Work-related injuries Working From Home XBox 360 Yahoo YouTube Zen  Email
 Subscribe
Wednesday, April 30, 2008 at 9:32 am
1. Sit. 2. Check your BlackBerry, but never when someone superior to you in the pecking order is speaking. 3. Draw on the pad provided on the corporation for your take-away. 4. Go to the bathroom, but never while someone on a higher branch of the corporate tree is tossing apples down from his or her great altitude. 5. Eat and Drink. Food will be provided at certain times, and coffee, cookies and berries at other times. Do not eat throughout the day. This will make you feel sick by 2 PM. And watch out for too much coffee, which can produce a variety of bad behaviors over the course of an entire 8-hour session, depredations ranging from overly-aggressive posturing to psychotic need to get out of the room and use the facilities to an extent that is inappropriate and noticeable. 6. Present findings. At some point, presumably, you will have to provide a reason for those in the room explaining why you are there. If you are senior enough, no such rationale is necessary, of course, but for many this will mean taking the floor for a time. So always go into these things with a small agenda for yourself and make sure it gets played out, even if it’s not germane or useful to the rest of the gathering. 7. Feign interest. Options include: nodding, assiduous and ostentatious note-taking, occasional exclamations and eye contact with others. 8. Avoid sleep. This is more difficult than it looks for some of us afflicted with meeting narcolepsy. Solutions include: a sharp pencil in the palm (if overdone, can lead to blood poisoning, which is certainly not sleep but should probably be avoided), the drinking of beverages both hot and cold, the acquiring of foodstuffs and/or implements, strolling around thoughtfully, leaving the room while glaring at one’s BlackBerry to simulate crisis mode, even, when all else fails, light dozing with one’s eyes open, a skill that is mastered only by those with long tenure in the realms of gray. 9. Entertaining use of wireless communication. Many is the long meeting these days that is lightened by continuous passing of digital “notes” to guys in the room as frizzed out and bored as you are. Dangers abound, however. Particularly to be avoided is joke-related sniggering while deplorable financial performance is being discussed by the CFO. 10. Hobnobbing. During breaks, you may have the opportunity to rub shoulders with guys you rarely see outside of these things. Don’t forget to do so. These interchanges may in fact be the actual purpose of the meeting. All day-long sessions have a subcutaneous reason for being — team-building and camaraderie. So laugh and scratch with the boys and girls. You may make a friend. And you know what those are worth these days. 11. Do breathing and stretching exercises. This may include extending your foot to touch that of your neighbor, but only if she is very cute and at least on the same pay and grade level that you are. 12. Collect ALL your “notes,” that is, sketches, rude graffiti, inelegant detritus, etc. NEVER leave your space festooned with evidence of what you were actually doing during the time allotted. I’ve seen quite a few people wrecked after leaving behind a scrap of paper featuring a hilarious and derisive a doodle of the chairman, complete with horns and drooling fangs. People get childish after a while, even at such serious and essential events. Leave no evidence of your inner child behind.
 Trickle down meeting feed-back. 1. B. of D.s to CEO COO CFO; we must improve bottom line. I’m reminded of a song that was popular in the fifties about General Custer; one line goes: “Please Mister Custer, I don’t wanna to go. Please Mr. Custer, please don’t make me go”! This song is in reference to “Custer’s Last Stand”!! Posted By Bob Shelby Twp. Mi. : April 30, 2008 7:42 pm
Brilliant stuff that comes from the mind of someone who has spent WAY too much time in these situations. Posted By Bob G, Cincinnati, OH : April 30, 2008 6:45 pm
Oh, and I forgot to add… #13 Make a list of things to do in an all day meeting. Posted By Jessica, St. Cloud, MN : April 30, 2008 5:31 pm
Very good tips. I have learned the great ability to space out while looking like I am paying attention. I can do it for hours on end. Has helped me through many a meetings Posted By Chad New York, NY : April 30, 2008 4:10 pm
I like that - knitting That used to be what smoking in meetings was good for back before the second-hand smoke nazis took over. Posted By Tom - Cape Fear : April 30, 2008 3:30 pm
13 Sit there and smile as you think about using a death ray, for people who want to talk minusha and drag a boring meeting into an eternity. 14 list all those attending and score them by how many times the boss rolls his eyes when they make their presentation. This will help pass the time and make you look like you really care. Posted By Jack Hammond Canada : April 30, 2008 3:18 pm
I thought that I was alone in the affliction of meeting narcolepsy. That has hurt me a couple of times, and its always “my fault”. Now I pinch myself relentlessly (with fingernails) to avoid this problem. Posted By Dano, Des Moines, Iowa : April 30, 2008 3:15 pm
Bing, you ARE a naughty boy! Posted By Jessica, St. Cloud MN : April 30, 2008 2:06 pm
Explain that you can concentrate better if your hands are busy–then knit while pretending to listen. Posted By Abby, Columbus, Ohio : April 30, 2008 12:21 pm
Re #3: If no one can see your pad (or if everyone who can see it is in the same boat), try writing or drawing simple shapes with your non-dominant hand. It’s difficult enough that it should help with #8 as well. Re #5: Eat that bagel or muffin one pinch at a time. I don’t care how hungry you are. Consider it an exercise in discipline. The food is the best thing that’s going to happen to you in this meeting. Make it last. Re #8: I was once caught falling asleep in a meeting my third day on the job. The big boss called me out on it. I jerked awake and said “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I was trying to go without coffee today.” This led to such consternation and amazement at my valor that my gaffe was quickly forgotten. Feel free to use this yourself the next time you get caught. Might be a little tougher to pull off if you have a coffee cup in front of you, though. Re #12: I’ve seen some careers damaged when people picked up their legal pads too casually and a couple of the sudokus or crosswords stuffed inside floated out to say hello. (I tape mine down.) Posted By Rebecca, Philadelphia, PA : April 30, 2008 10:25 am
|
A reader from California writes...
My boss called me 12 times during the 2 hour period when my wife was delivering our first baby. In the 12th call he told me that I should be courteous enough to pick up the phone even though I was in the operating theater. I made one call to him after my baby was born and I could just see his face as I responded with one line: I quit. I got another job in about a week. Read more crazy boss stories. 
Stanley Bing
Stanley Bing is a Fortune columnist and best-selling author of business books noted for their wisdom as well as their sharp, slightly acrid sense of humor. He is also the only writer on business and the workplace who still puts on a suit and tie and goes to do battle with the dragons that breathe fire at corporate America every day. This blog captures what remains of his brain after it has exploded in all other directions.
|
||
|
Just call in sick. Any company that has all day meetings will not be long for this world and your job will be outsourced to Outer Mongolia and the next meeting will serve yak meat. Use your sick day, to google Ulan Bator. In the event you failed to call in sick, use the meeting to plot the downfall of the bigger bosses and your promotion to super top brassdom. Then and only then will you beable to share your wisdom with the disinterested meeting goers.