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Thursday, May 1, 2008 at 11:31 am
During the meeting, I began to experience existential discomfort well before the first break. This manifests itself as an intense desire to leave the room and walk aimlessly about the executive floor. To do so before one hour has elapsed is considered highly bad form, since all conceivable excuses seem premature at that juncture. It’s too soon to hit the Men’s Room (unless one has a condition of some kind that he or she would like the group to know about) and likewise too early to have developed a crisis severe enough to merit such a quick exit. So I sat. The discussion went around the table. The feelings of impatience and anxiety grew. I eventually had to get up in a thoughtful manner, go to the sideboard, and assemble a plate of berries that was altogether way too large. Too many berries make me feel sort of crazy. There was a great book called The Phantom Toll booth I read when I was a boy. It posited the existence of a stew that made one hungrier the more it was consumed. That’s what berries do to me. You eat and eat and eat, and then the plate is empty and you’re starving. That’s a lot like life, I think. After an hour and twenty-four minutes, we took a break. Nobody talked to each other very much during it. We were all too busy working our BlackBerrys. I remember a time when people talked to each other before and after meetings. Those days are over. The room is full and almost totally silent, except for the impossibly faint sound of thumbs clicking tiny keyboards. And so it went on. It was a very productive meeting. A lot got done. But my attention span is not a towering edifice. It’s a rickety footbridge across a huge abyss of boredom and unease. And after two hours of anything relating to concentration/paying attention/not indulging in some sensory experience… it snaps. And so I sat and sat and sat and sat, plummeting every lower into the pit of despond and non-existence. At this level of corporate life, the windows do not open. I believe I know why. Lunch was served and everybody ate too much. Discussion continued over the food. I found that on the other side of my powerful urge for flight was an equally potent urge to fight. In short, after 4:37 of the gathering I became extremely ill-tempered. When I realized I was pointing a fork at one of my colleagues and spewing breadcrumbs out of my open mouth, I knew it was time for me to take an unscheduled break and leave the area entirely. I went down to the lobby and stood in the street for a while. When I was not run over by a delivery truck I went back inside and re-entered the meeting. The rest was pretty uneventful. Afterward, through some horrendous gap in scheduling acumen on somebody’s part, I had two other meetings back to back. Here’s where the consequences come in. When they think of new ways to torture people - still a growth industry in the world, I think - the experts should consider the toll that excessive sitting, forced attention and the denial of the natural tendency to sleep wreak on the human spirit. They had PowerPoint. The room was warm. The meeting went on and on. My boss was in there too. I was aware that I was skating along on the edge of total unconsciousness AND YET I COULD NOT SLEEP. It was truly horrible. I am not exaggerating. A dozen, two dozen times I could feel my eyes sliding shut, my chin lowering to my chest. Did I snap to attention too dramatically? Did I say “Buh!” and pop my eyes open? Did I snore or drool during the brief moments when I lost consciousness? I don’t believe so. But I don’t know for sure… By 6 PM it was time to go home. I had a bowl of cereal and went to bed. Today my calendar is pretty clear. Good thing, too. All my attention for the week was used up yesterday. My body will be here through Friday as usual. I can’t speak for the rest of me, however, which is now somewhere in the park, chasing pigeons.
 Thank you Mr. Bing. I needed these last two blogs. Why? Well, if I walk out the door right now I can see a tropical ocean, beautiful pools and two golf courses. I’ve been here for four days. I have not touched the sand, gone swimming or played golf. And even though I’m not a golfer the idea sounds good right now. I was in the international meeting Tuesday, the national meeting Wednesday and the Board meeting yesterday. Today the convention begins. I have had enough. It is torture to be inside day after day, meeting after meeting, dinner after dinner. I am tired of my fellow Americans and tired of the Europeans and Japanese. My only glimmer of hope was a bunch of Aussies I’m going to Old San Juan with on Saturday night until I looked at your blog. Between the two of you I know I’ll make it back home safely and with some remaining level of sanity! Posted By RKC, Chicago IL : May 2, 2008 9:59 am
For those of you who ‘can’t relate,’ you’re idiots. This was dead-on about the real effects of having to sit at attention to something that is supposed to be a ‘meeting’ but is really a lecture, or is just structured to be completely unfriendly to attendees but convenient to the leaders. This grates on the human soul. People with military backgrounds are experts at these types of meetings, though they tend to keep them short. Posted By Lee Marks : May 2, 2008 12:05 am
Bob, are you ok? Posted By bob,ny ny : May 1, 2008 9:46 pm
Mr. Bing, Posted By Miracle Admin, Westchester NY : May 1, 2008 8:34 pm
This blog entry is more boring than any meeting that has ever been held in history. Posted By Yadgyu, Harkeyville, TX : May 1, 2008 4:58 pm
I always thought it was so weird how it takes a person many minutes (hours) to fall asleep at night, but put them in a meeting, class or in front of a computer screen and BAM! they fall asleep instantly! It is also nearly impossible to control. This is the case with me, anyway. Bob, I still don’t have any idea what you said. Posted By Jessie, Northern MN : May 1, 2008 4:48 pm
Bing you are suffering from shell shock, you have been dodging too many bullets, for too long. You need some R&R, smoke something, drink something keep your body fluids topped up. Send a memo suggesting: No meeting should ever take place that lasts longer than 2 hours tops.(and that includes 30 min. break time). If you can’t summarize and present your position in less than 5 minutes you are fired. Charts graphs and slide presentations should be rolled up into tubes and placed in a body cavity of those that brought them to the meeting. Posted By Jack Hammond Canada : May 1, 2008 4:00 pm
Bing, I always wondered this, and your blog makes me wonder even more so. How important is it to take notes during meetings. Surely there must be some person who never got out of high school and thinks that they have to just scribble down every word that is said. Me personally, I feel like I can just sit there and pay attention when I need to and remember what my part is of the meeting. Sure coming prepared is important, but how important is it to actually take notes? Do you have to do it often, rarely, or sometimes? Is it frowned upon if you do not take notes during most meetings. I know there are always exceptions and at times it is imperative but what is your take on it? Posted By Jason L., Philadelphia PA : May 1, 2008 2:51 pm
I think Bob is suffering from post-traumatic meeting disorder. Posted By L.T., Alexandria, VA : May 1, 2008 2:17 pm
Stanley, I worked as a pinsetter before automatic pin settters, Regular Army 17-20, steel worker 21-26, payroll-accounting 27-57, retired GMC 57, real estate agent 57-now, tax professional E.A. 58- now. Every job I’ve had from the “open hearth sewers” to tax pro, the bitching as different as it may seem is very much the same–universally: “Oh how I wanna go home”. The work force just seems to take people out of their comfort zones–enough said. Truthfully, I’ve been expecting your column to get trashed, and I have been trying to get as many gripes of “silent employees” said in your column as possible; griping almost always targets somebody. The impact of blogging just bloggoles my mind! “The beat goes on and the beat goes on”. What will the “Scandal Sheets” have to say about “Cher” and “Tom Cruise”? They’re airing on “Opra”. Posted By Bob Shelby Twp. Mi. : May 1, 2008 2:08 pm
Bing, While I can empathize with you, I am somewhat amazed. Until reading this I had no idea that individuals that function at your elevated level on the organizational chart experienced meeting fatigue. It’s almost like finding out that professional baseball players use strength enhancing drugs. Posted By Mark, Pittsburgh, PA : May 1, 2008 12:47 pm
 Honestly, Bob. I love ya. But what the frig are you talkin’ about? Posted By Bing : May 1, 2008 12:43 pm
Yeh, Stash; it’s the SOS they throw at you so they can write off meeting costs as a management expense, and utilize their training equipment to justify a depreciation write off. They also must give acid tests, for performance under fire, to dubious performing junior management hopefuls; especially, those with a raspy biting tongue. Under the guise of giving you a freebee; they cram you with nebulous-trite doubletalk. Now, if they want something from you, guess what! They’ll contract a silk tongue professional solicitor who can lay it on strong. Your monetary commitment will finance sending bagels and cream cheese to penguins in Antartica. All these modern day prognosticaters operate on the SOS their grandfathers instigated way back when: “TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN: “WE’LL MAKE IT BETTER FOR OUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN”. Today, we all wonder whose children their talking about; “THEIR CHILDREN”, or, “CHILDREN AT LARGE”??? How long can we go on??? Posted By Bob Shelby Twp. Mi. : May 1, 2008 12:32 pm
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A reader from California writes...
My boss called me 12 times during the 2 hour period when my wife was delivering our first baby. In the 12th call he told me that I should be courteous enough to pick up the phone even though I was in the operating theater. I made one call to him after my baby was born and I could just see his face as I responded with one line: I quit. I got another job in about a week. Read more crazy boss stories. 
Stanley Bing
Stanley Bing is a Fortune columnist and best-selling author of business books noted for their wisdom as well as their sharp, slightly acrid sense of humor. He is also the only writer on business and the workplace who still puts on a suit and tie and goes to do battle with the dragons that breathe fire at corporate America every day. This blog captures what remains of his brain after it has exploded in all other directions.
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I just read Warren Buffet’s commentary; “A business is like a painting” to him.
In the old school back in the fifties our mentors used non-visual forms of proverbs: “A psychotic paints castles in the sky and the neurotic lives in them”.
“A psychotic thinks that 2+2=6 and loves it. The nuerotic knows that 2+2=4 but hates it”.
We must remember that the sunrise and the sunset are perpetual! Falling asleep at meetings can make you miss, either, or, and let you default to painting ‘RAINBOWS”.