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puttersAre you aware that there was a time in American history when you could go to a restaurant, order a meal, and not receive a sprig of something inedible and obnoxiously green on your plate? Why don’t we start there. People who like parsley, mache or other sheep food can order it. Total cost savings to the nation: $157 million.

We could do away immediately, as far as I’m concerned, with the paper mats they put in your car after you wash it. Total cost savings: $320 million.

Then there are the little buds they give you in case the ones they provide for your bluetooth earpiece don’t fit your ear canal. Since those don’t fit any better than the original ones, I’d say we could away with them altogether. Total cost savings: $65 million.

We could certainly cut immediately any executive who still has a putter and mechanical hole/ball return machine in his or her office. Total cost savings: $56.7 billion.

We could also without question do away with management consultants who direct the firing of lots of people, then charge corporations the precise amount of costs they are saving the company through those reductions in force. Total cost savings $93.6 billion.

In addition, I think most of us would embrace the total elimination of solicitations for credit cards. Total cost savings: $1.6 trillion, not counting the cost of the energy required to rip them up, dispose of them, turn them into compost, etc.

Those of us who are over 50 would probably be supportive of an immediate cut in all mail from AARP concerning various forms of insurance. I thought AARP existed to support the interests of middle-aged and older Americans, not terrorize them with constant inundations of sales debris. Total cost: $156 million.

We could cut all communications to employees from corporate headquarters reassuring people that there will be no more cuts. This would have the added benefit of cutting stories about such reassurances, impending layoffs, cutbacks and other fearsome things by more than 86%. Total monetary savings: $472 million in time, paper and effect on productivity, along with possible reductions in reporting staff dedicated solely to that function.

I’m sure there are other cuts I’ve missed. How much of what we eat, do and say is discretionary and could be eliminated? If we’re all going to live through this derepressive stagflationary curve, we’re going to have to start thinking rigorously.

By the way, all numbers in this exercise were totally fabricated. I’m sure we’re all pretty comfortable with that situation by now, particularly those in the financial sector.




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I had just finished reading an article about how the Big 3 auto executives returned to Washington in hybrids, having previously shredded their bonuses. Good timing Bing, spot on and hilarious!

Posted By Mike Jackson – Austin, Texas : December 4, 2008 2:11 pm

There is so much waste around us and nobody pays attention to the big picture, and again, it is because we all have the attitude of “it’s them and not me”: do we need more than 2 pairs of shoes?, do we need the $200.00 jeans? do we need all those kitchen gadgets? do we need bottled water? disposable wipes? change our cell phone every year? drive a really expensive car? what is the point?

Posted By Isaac, Culver City Ca : December 4, 2008 2:16 pm

Did you figure what we could save by cutting journalists who drive public opinion with erroneous data that they made up only to push a personal agenda? I can’t believe that CNN even carries your ‘blog’.

Posted By Aaron, NY NY : December 4, 2008 2:35 pm

While we’re at it, let’s do away with Wall Street. The rest of us provide the products and services; why continue to give them a cut off the top? Savings: 5 trillion dollars, and, quite possibly, the nation itself. – http://www.sawyerspeaks.wordpress.com

Posted By sawyerspeaks : December 4, 2008 2:59 pm

I guess, Aaron, that we could also consider doing away with humorless people.

Posted By Bing : December 4, 2008 3:40 pm

Clearly Aaron is an executive with the mechanical hole/ball return machine in his office. Hilarious post Bing!

Posted By Amy, Philadelphia PA : December 4, 2008 4:08 pm

There needs to be a paradigm busting shift. I think times are so tough that you could cut and change just about anything you wanted and no one would fight you on it…although I’ll give you my putter when you take it from my cold, dead hands.

Posted By David, Los Angeles CA. : December 4, 2008 4:30 pm

How about we eliminate anyone who uses “Paradigm Shift”, “Nichification”, or other Management speak nonsense ? Cost savings – 4.375 Trillion, Never having to hear those types of phrases in a meeting again – Priceless

Posted By Glen, Huntington Beach CA : December 4, 2008 5:06 pm

I don’t see the point in cutting back.

The real problem is that Americans save too much money. The blinding obsession of saving for retirement, kids’ college expenses, and other “rainy day” events is what is really causing Americans to suffer.

People need to stop saving money and use it to pay for necessities and fun. Money should only be used to finance a cash-based lifestyle. People are in trouble because they have poor cash managment techniques.

People need to pay only for essentials. All other debt payments and savings should be disregarded. The only way to feel free is to have cash on hand to spend. Why give all of your money to bill collectors and bankers? Keep that money and have fun.

Posted By Yadgyu, Harkeyville, TX : December 4, 2008 5:08 pm

One phenomenal thing about this country is that we all get to decide how we spend our money (hard-earned or otherwise). Whether we are individuals or businesses, we have the right to be as responsible, or irresponsible, with our money as we see fit.

Yes, this blog is quite hilarious. Real life necessary cuts lie in wasteful government spending, and on a personal level, perhaps society as a whole can at least start spending less than it makes.

Posted By Josh, Huntsville, AL : December 4, 2008 5:19 pm

Yeah Aaron….humorlessness (is that really a word?) is my territory in Bing’s blog….though I’ll have to run some market-niche metrics, and discuss this issue with various stakeholders before I can lay total claim to it. There’s really only room for one A-hole here….and that A-hole is me.

Posted By Mike, Spokane, WA : December 4, 2008 7:32 pm

With America being one of the wealthiest nations in the world, its people began to live like its resources will never deplete. Cars are a necessity, food is easily converted to trash. We should look at the condition of developing countries like the Philippines. People in developing countries don’t waste as much of their resources as those in wealthier ones. There should be a study on that.

Posted By Greg, Culver City, CA : December 4, 2008 9:14 pm

Yadgyu, you really bring up an important point. As we all collectively sh*t our pants worrying about where we’ll cut our spending, we’re also accelerating the economic death spiral. Just as the market is fleeing towards the security of cash, damaging fundamentally sound firms along with the dregs of the corporate world, we are abandoning the firms that depended upon our often ridiculous, but harmless, purchases.

No doubt the poor Indonesian blue tooth ear bud factory worker is raising a son or daughter who will either gravitate towards extremism or moderation….depending on which way the economic chips fall. Of course, in reality, maybe he’ll just blow the money on cheap beer.

Posted By Mike, Spokane, WA : December 4, 2008 10:31 pm

All these posts and nobody mentioned the elephant in the room.

IE: Defence spending

Cut 711 billion in half and you would put 1,100 dollars in the pockets of every man woman and child in the US.

355 billion is still more than all of europe spends, and is almost 6 times what russia or china spends.

I know this subject is a sacred cow
but somebody has to say it.

Posted By Jack Hammond Canada : December 4, 2008 10:32 pm

How about abolishing TV? It might move many people to do something productive instead of stagflating in front of a screen. Just think of all the things people would no longer know they want, thanks to an absence of ads. Think of all the electrical costs saved by not powering these things.

Not to be extreme, TV could always be re-introduced in an orderly way once things have been properly straightened out.

Posted By Ed, Montreal : December 4, 2008 10:53 pm

Jack, are you crazy? We’re to lay down our weapons? Narco-lords to the south, and weird winter headgear with ear flap socialists to the north, and you want us to be defenseless? I don’t think so!

As for you, Ed of Montreal, you can have my TV when you pry the remote control out of my cold dead fingers.

Posted By Mike, Spokane, WA : December 5, 2008 2:39 am

Following up on Jack’s idea, let’s just cut all federal spending, especially the waste going to the needless social programs.

We could save something like 1.9 or 2 trillion dollars!

We could then pay off the debt in 5-7 years with the savings.

Hey Jack, just one other question…

Got Government?

Posted By Red, Dover, NH : December 5, 2008 9:21 am

I would like to add my support to the opinion that Bing in no way drives public opinion, in contrast to what one commenter has suggested.

I wonder, though, about all these things being eliminated, don’t they just hurt the economy more by their absence?

Generally I don’t blame Wall Street. I blame a worldwide inflationary banking system that profits from bubbles, then gets bailed out when bubbles burst.

Posted By Appa, Loosa, Montana : December 5, 2008 11:27 am

Mike , Red dont panic, I have a 22 it even has a scope you can borrow it, with half a box of shells, they don’t make that kind anymore but they still work. see you won’t be defencless.

Red, we seem to be cutting back on govt. voluntarily, which is a good thing, imagine, somebody wants to throw them out, so they decide not show up and be evicted. eh, it’s the canadian way.

??? T.V. what’s a T.V. geeez you yanks are always ahead of us.

Ed, where did you hear about T.V., you be shopping south of the border at one of those gadget stores again.

Posted By Jack Hammond Canada : December 5, 2008 11:31 am

Cut “The Cut” and lets go back to business, somehow, someway. True, recession is now “official” and it’s here to stay…at least for a while, but the unofficial wide spread panic is making a bad situation even worse.

Posted By Charlie Los Angeles, CA : December 5, 2008 11:32 am

Mike, urge you to reconsider a major TV moratorium. Think of the outrageous sums paid to situation-comedy performers. Often it’s millions per episode. Saving all that money would enable advertisers to cut their selling prices in half. The performers could pursue real work, perhaps as auto mechanics. If TV withdrawal symptoms get difficult we could always watch our laundry in the clothes washer. It would keep us just as informed.

Posted By Ed, Montreal : December 5, 2008 11:49 am

Thanks for the offer Jack, but why would I want a child’s weapon?

Let’s just say I am sufficiently armed to manage small crowd control. And it won’t take too much filing to make some of those fully automatic.

Wish we could take a hint on voluntarily reducing government. Unfortunately, we are “carring” too many people and companies right now.

Posted By Red, Dover, NH : December 11, 2008 11:25 am

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Stanley Bing
Stanley Bing is a Fortune columnist and best-selling author of business books noted for their wisdom as well as their sharp, slightly acrid sense of humor. He is also the only writer on business and the workplace who still puts on a suit and tie and goes to do battle with the dragons that breathe fire at corporate America every day. This blog captures what remains of his brain after it has exploded in all other directions.
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