Bing, thanks for a much needed laugh on a Monday morning! This cracked me up:

“We have no idea what it is the company does,” said Reed Barfinger of Barfinger & McGuffin, a firm that makes itself available for quotes to reporters who call it.

I can see it now. The next phase for Bing Co.

A rocked opera entitled:

“No Guidance. This ain’t no ICBM.”

Bing, your company needs to get in on the TALF deal. Best of all, it’s not mark-to-market*.

*disclaimer: rules subject to change.

You need to consider spinning off that aging Cocker Spaniel as a separate tracking stock.

Sounds like you need the services of Isaac & Co., Management and Financial Consultants. We can diagnose your company and the results will confirm your conclusions. We can design a course of action, which, most likely, will be the same one you have, but most important: you will hear from us what ever is what you want to hear, call me: 1800-RIP-U- OFF

Leeroy, Do you honestly think this economy is willing to invest in an ailing spaniel? I think it is clear that Bing needs to carve out his hemmoraging assets and sell them/leave the gate open/change his phone number asap.

Bing, I hope BingCo. survives this mess and comes back leaner/meaner than ever before. Perhaps a new HQ is in order or even cutting back on using $100 dollar bills to light your cigars? Just brainstorming…

Have you considered a high yield issuance or convertibles? Low interest rates, good tax treatment and you won’t dilute your equity position.

Bankers have got plenty of free time nowadays, so you should be able to get someone to come pitch some creative “products” to you.

Bing:
With results like these a hostile takeover may be in the offing. I suggest you underfund your pension obligations and draft a poison pill clause in your charter to dissuade any vultures

Cutting the dog off? For shame Stanley. How would you like to have been seized from your mother, had your genitals cut off, and live off of a bowl of granola each day? Now this, no little extra treats, just the thrill of running nude down the pricey drive way to get the paper.

wait, didn’t one of the wives do this already?

50 dollars in my pocket just burning a hole in it; Bingco, GM, Chrysler,,,, Bingco, GM or Chrysler,,,what to do ,,,what to do,,,,
I know,,a small bottle of Crown Royal and a couple of movie rentals,,,,two investments that you can enjoy…with about the same monetary return over the long run as stocks…

Well, Laurel, it took me a moment to realize what you mean, and in that second I experienced a bolt of sheer terror seldom seen by man or dog.

“Leeroy, Do you honestly think this economy is willing to invest in an ailing spaniel?”

The whole point of a tracking stock is to isolate a segment of a business from the parent organization. BingCo needs to keep the pooch around, but ditch the costs. All that’s left to do is get Marketing to convince a few animal loving suckers that the Spaniel division is “high growth.” A tough task in this economy, but it’s about time Marketing started carrying their weight. The Spaniel division is probably on the floor right now, with nowhere to go but up!

The tables are empty, the dance floor’s deserted, you’ve played a great swan song, you’d think we’ve never heard it.

The Titanic floated until it got overloaded……Gee, where’s the cheer leaders when you need them!

I take a few days off to visit Charleston, SC and Bing starts talking about going public! (Us southern boys have to go to Fort Sumter every now and then to pay our respects.)
I’m almost in Jack’s situation. Here I sit with a few bucks to invest, but the whiskey here is straight Wild Turkey. I think I’ll go with BingCo. That Cocker Spaniel should do better than the rest of the market wizards.

Bing, at least you’ll be able to truthfully say that all future investors will experience the very same returns as past investors. I’d rather piss my money away on a nice old spaniel than some dirtbag of a hedge manager anyway.

Michigan Bob,

Its my understanding that the the characters used to express “crisis”
in Chinese are those for danger and opportunity.

There is still danger aplenty but there is also opportunity for those willing to properly assess risk.

Paul, People are just another species of life on the planet.

We know that wild life lives or dies by natural selection.

That same wild life weaned and protected in the safety of the zoo just can’t perform in the wild.

It’s plain old country logic that wild life will fare much better in its natural habitat in assessing risk than its counterparts who were spoon fed and had no risk indoctination into the wild.

The gypsy is the best risk assessor because he’s naturally endowed with with the passion of wild living and successfully feeds on his prey. I will protect your treasure if you put in my treasure chest!

Qualified speculators can, and do, well in assessing risk—the pussy cats rely on the gypsy’s crystal ball for their psychodelic instincts to illuminate the fantasy! Give me pixy dust!

Risk is raw, refined sugar and spice are nowhere to be found in the jungle!

The wise words of Robert Benchley come to mind. He was congratulating himself on having cleverly invested in theater tickets and candy in the 1920’s so that by 1931 he had lots of lovely memories, some ticket stubs and some nice, comfortable fat. While, of course, everyone else had nothing but those yellowing stock certificates.

Let us follow his prudent example.

Bob,

So all who choose to dine are as the Churchill polar bears.

Forewarned and soon to be extinct for having gorged on rubbish.

Knowing better does not necessarily
prophylactize.

BingCo!

I suggest an alternate strategy: Don’t pay off any debt, instead Get Too Big To Fail!

Your problem is that you don’t have enough toxic assets. Accumulate more and more, highly leveraged assets. Also hire a bunch of people and promise to pay them 94% of their salary and benefits after they retire in 3 years. Obama/Congress will love you so much!!!

TooBigToFail.com