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Friday, June 5, 2009 at 11:27 am
Yet one day, as impossible as it may seem, the fascinating situation surrounding two of television’s hottest reality stars will be over. Jon & Kate will have exploded into a ball of flaming chicken fat. Their kids will, I am sure, all be tabloid material of their own. And the great, suppurating maw of popular entertainment will be in need of new heros willing to let it all hang out for Mother. I mean to get into the action next time around. So I’ve studied the situation, both as a professional and as a consumer of anything that will engage my dwindling attention span. And having looked deeply into the landscape, I believe I have come up with the quintessential next steps in the march of time. Two programs I think could really make it and push the envelope until it squeals. I’m looking for investors. Tell me which one you want to get in on. 1. Married Until We Got To Them picks up where Jon & Kate leaves off, takes what was wildly popular about that program and jettisons the rest. Gone are the kids. Gone is everything but the weekly update on how two people are going about the business of tearing their marriage apart with infidelity, betrayal, violence, drunkeness and, if it’s on cable, as much nudity as possible, all financed by the willing couple’s weekly stipend from the production company. In later weeks, an added element could be introduced — other miscreant pairs prepared to strip themselves bare (sometimes literally) for the notoriety and money. Couples could compete for a prize awarded to the one that can fall apart fastest. Or possibly even engage in interesting new configurations, depending on the daypart in which the program airs. To date, all reality programs have provided a framework for the display of human frailty, a plot contrivance of some sort. This program completely dispenses with that and simply cuts to the chase. Cheap to produce. Almost writes itself. Hard to see how it could fail. Second, and possibly even more interesting, is a show I’m calling So You’re Too Fat To Dance? A mix of several genres, this one puts it all together for pure, guilty pleasure. Contestants join the show when still very adipose, pleasant people who really can’t dance very well at all. They try, but they for the most part fail to accomplish the complicated choreography outlined for them by the show’s panel of showbiz sadists. Over the 16 weeks, contestants are put through a grueling regime of diet and exercise in which they lose tons of weight very quickly, putting their health at risk while at the same time making themselves far more flexible, pliant and capable of graceful dives, sweeps and fancy footwork. By the end of the series, we have a few people who punished themselves enough to make the grade and dance off with the prize, and probably a lot more who fell by the wayside, panting. Part make-over, part weight loss, part exercise in pure humiliation, I think this show will have it all. That’s only the first two that I’m currently working on, although a third is taking shape in my mind, something about a worldwide hunt for the money stolen by Bernie Madoff, kind of a cross between The Amazing Race and Treasure Hunt with Stubby Kaye. Clearly, however, the upside here is huge. With the ascension of a couple who has nothing to offer but their misery, a new barrier has apparently been broken down. When a new door like that opens, it doesn’t take a genius to know that opportunity may well lie on the other side of the transom. Those interested in an investment that’s certainly as solid as any other may drop me a line. Too right. It can’t be good when things start to look like early Stephen King sci-fi novels that were made into Schwarzenegger movies. Posted By Neil, Beacon, NY : June 5, 2009 12:27 pm
Oxygen already took your second idea, they call’Dance you ass off’ Posted By Reese, Dallas TX : June 5, 2009 12:35 pm
Bing nice creative thinking- Definitely out of the box. What better than the new microsoft BING search engine? You know the one that works like Google but uses your name…Can you say negotiation… Posted By Lawrencian, Lawrence MA : June 5, 2009 12:43 pm
Hey, Lynn, I hope they don’t sue me! I swear I never heard of it before. I think mine is funnier, though. Posted By Bing : June 5, 2009 12:57 pm
I’m currently pitching an idea for a reality show set in a kosher sushi bar, the working title is “Sosumi”… Posted By CJ, Boston : June 5, 2009 1:10 pm
Sue you? Hell Bing…you should be suing Microsoft! Looks like a clear copyright infringment to me. Posted By Abe, Philadelphia, PA : June 5, 2009 1:13 pm
Oh, let’s go full-bore gonzo and roll out “The Ultimate Makeover”, a show that follows a gal (or guy) trapped in a guy’s (or gal’s) body through the hormone treatments, through the psych counseling, through the surgery and post-op recovery, through the dating scene in her/his new body . . .. Endless opportunity for exploitation. Possibly best on cable. Posted By Steve, Charleston, WV : June 5, 2009 1:25 pm
Are any of these ideas mean spirited enough to enthrall the American public long enough to create and foster a new brand? I vote no, although the Madoff idea had me thinking, for the shortest moment, consortium. I really don’t know what that means but I’ve never found an opportunity to use that brawny expression. Consortium! I feel, almost, enthralled but certainly not enraptured. Posted By Paul, Miami, Fl. : June 5, 2009 1:41 pm
How about the last contestant to see the paint dry. Posted By David Robert, Trenton, NJ : June 5, 2009 1:58 pm
You need to add viewer voting (Of course for a fee) to all of the shows. Can’t leave money on the table. Posted By Jake, Mpls, MN : June 5, 2009 2:47 pm
I got sucked in to Real Housewives of Atlanta, OC, and NJ from Bravo…I am learning how to be rich, stuck up, and to mentally live on another planet in case I win the lottery like that rancher. Posted By Liberty : June 5, 2009 2:58 pm
There is, of course, still the possibility of a real Truman Show, where a baby is taken from birth and raised (unbeknowst to him) on a TV sound stage. You could make it even more obscene by combining it with the idea from the movie Gattica where one child was genetically selected with super traits while the other was not and have them duke it out. Now that would be good TV. Posted By T, Jville, FL : June 5, 2009 3:06 pm
Bing. I tried your new search engine this week. How do you find the time to look up all that stuff while writing for Fortune and working the day job at MegaloCorp? Posted By Hal, Mt. Airy, NC : June 5, 2009 3:16 pm
How about a show called Dream Job. It would be kind of like Dirty Work meets the Apprentice. Dissatisfied urban professionals would get to do their “dream job” for a month with cameras in tow. This could include such ideas that office dwellers fantasize about including: The schtick would be that the actual business owners gets a month off, lots of free publicity and a big check (which they will need to repair the damage done to their business). As someone who has daydreamed about all of the above jobs, I wouldn’t miss an episode. Posted By ChicagoSail, Chicago IL : June 5, 2009 3:44 pm
I think the next reality show, that would grab everyone instantly would be to get 10 or 20 folks recently laid off, and have them compete for a prize: An entry level job building wind turbine parts that pays $12.00 an hour. The contestants could be made to dress in animal costumes and try to sell broken (Chines made) appliances in the street. Or they could compete to sell cars at an auto dealership, where the lowest price car is a $37k SUV. Or they could stand in line at the unemployment office and try to barter their way to the front of the line. All this to get a shot at earning a wage just slighly higher than what the hostess at Hooters makes. I think it would be an instant hit. Posted By Ken, Centreville, VA : June 5, 2009 5:32 pm
Bing, no matter which show you decide to try, don’t forget one important item: A real (not medically altered), drop-dead gorgeous female with a sweet, innocent smile. That will insure that us old guys stay awake for the entire show. Posted By Jim, Winston-Salem, NC : June 5, 2009 7:26 pm
How could a title like ‘American Fat-Ass Dance-Off’ miss? Posted By Mike, Spokane, WA : June 5, 2009 8:24 pm
Jon and Kate, must you mate? i guess that was the first film. Posted By laurel, Santa Barbara CA : June 6, 2009 1:56 am
Try a program rooted to Rodney Dangerfield’s “Caddy Shack”. The golf course has always been a fertile source of reality information. We could call it “Castles in the Sand”? Anybody got any ideas? Or, how work ethics are molded in the golf club? Maybe, bikinis and golf balls? Aretha’s “Respect” and Rodney’s “Respect” just gets no respect. Posted By Bob, Michigan : June 6, 2009 8:54 am
Bing, I’m thinking more along the lines of a show called Bag Lady or Bag Man or Homeowner to Homeless. A down to earth show where we see how it all went wrong, trace it back to the culprits and the happy contestant gets to neuter a banker or a wall street anal type guy who gave them bad advice on live T.V……of course if the contestant is responsible by way of his or her on stupity….we remove the wheels from their shopping cart and have the word loser tattooed on their forehead. All by way of phone in votes….should be a hit. Posted By Jack Hammond Canada : June 7, 2009 4:55 am
this is probably too late for response, but anyway; chicagosail, do tell, i cant be the only one curious as to which cute boutique job you have dreamt of running? Posted By laurel, Santa Barbara CA : June 7, 2009 1:50 pm
It’s never too late for response, Laurel. Posted By Bing : June 7, 2009 3:09 pm
I’ve had one under development since my days with my last employer. You outsource half of IT and then start laying off the rest based on a ranking system you don’t share with them. The goal from an employee point of view is to be the last one with a job and onsite manager for the team in India. It’s a cross between The Apprentice, Survivor, and Dilbert. Posted By Another Jim, Worcester, MA : June 8, 2009 8:11 am
Laurel, by “cute” I pretty much meant anything in Carmel. High prices (for the customers) and low stress (for me). And a pot of coffee always brewing. I guess quaint would have been a better choice of words… Posted By ChicagoSail, Chicago IL : June 8, 2009 10:32 pm
I’m still waiting for the reality show that chronicles what happens to winners of past reality show competitions a year or two after they go back to REAL reality. I was just reading about last year’s winner of “She’s got The Look” aka America’sNextTopGeriatricModel (ANTGM). When Kim Alexis was asked how the winner’s modeling career was going she stumbled then coughed out a weak, “She’s working” but couldn’t identify anything specific. Posted By Seubs, Charlotte, NC : July 8, 2009 7:19 pm
Bing, You should check out http://bit.ly/E4y6y. The Nascar Cat Racing and Snake Juggling with the Stars are pretty funny! Posted By shambo : September 11, 2009 10:35 am
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Stanley Bing
Stanley Bing is a Fortune columnist and best-selling author of business books noted for their wisdom as well as their sharp, slightly acrid sense of humor. He is also the only writer on business and the workplace who still puts on a suit and tie and goes to do battle with the dragons that breathe fire at corporate America every day. This blog captures what remains of his brain after it has exploded in all other directions.
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It’s clear I’m in the wrong business. With everything else that’s going on in the world, any stroll past a magazine stand will tell you that the majority of public interest continues to focus on Jon & Kate. Why to any of bother to focus on anything else? That’s where the money is, clearly.
Bing, I think you stole your 2nd idea from TLC (I think that’s the channel). I already saw an advertisement for a show called “dance your ass off”. The premise is exactly as you described. Good luck getting any credit for your idea.