According to a new survey conducted in late January by Charles Schwab, 85% of all independent advisors believe that the recession will be over in a couple of years. Two or so, they think. Perhaps a little more. Or less.

Some believe that it will be over by the end of this year, but not many.

Others think it’s going to be bad until late 2011, although they are in the minority, or they were in late January.

Most think it’s going to be two years. Or thereabouts. Which is probably what they’re saying when they’re advising people who presumably listen to them.

Who are these people? That’s what I’d like to know.

Because according to my personal survey, conducted with the inside of my brain pan six seconds ago, 97.2 percent of non-stupid people have stopped listening to anybody’s advice, particularly that of those who offer any.

72.3% of all respondents have stopped believing that the Market is driven by any metrics at all. 82% of those have come to the conclusion that a bunch of scared lunatics have taken control of the machinery of capitalism and that there’s no sense to what these losers may do on any given day.

Interestingly, 83.4% of all intelligent people have decided that numbers themselves are weird little creatures that are about as meaningful as a plate of chocolate pudding and just as solid. Of those, 71.3% figure there is no way that anybody knows anything in a world where Warren Buffett had the worst year of his career.

And speaking personally? 100% of me wants to slap somebody when they offer a view on what other people should be doing with their money.

I know what I’m going to do with mine right now. I’m going to have a turkey sandwich. After that, I’m not making any predictions for the rest of the day, other than declaring that there’s a 100% likelihood that I’m going to be ignoring any putative punditry until 2012. Perhaps a little sooner. Or later.

1. Remain cheerful.

2. In any event refrain from getting apoplectic more than 2.7 times per day. In public, anyhow. If, you know, possible. Unless it’s for a strategic reason.

3. Keep my job.

4. Lose no money in the stock market. If that means having nothing to do with the stock market, all the better.

5. Punch anybody who uses the word “derivative” without laughing, unless they’re talking about movies.

6. Employ no PowerPoint except in jest.

7. Have no drink “for the road.”

8. Continue to abjure MySpace and Facebook, recognizing that people who use them for business purposes are nerds. 

9. Wear comfortable shoes.

10. Ignore all predictions.