I had a dream last night. More of a nightmare, actually. I woke up trembling and very cold, even though the room itself was quite warm. I thought perhaps if I told you about it, the sense of unease I still carry with me without dissipate somewhat. 

I was in a strange room, having slept there because I could not find my way home. I thought maybe I had had too much to drink the night before and fallen asleep on an alien bed. When I awoke, it was bright day, and I was hyper-aware that time was a-wasting. I had a powerful sense that I needed to get in touch with the office or something terrible would happen. 

This is no surprise, I think. Something terrible is happening pretty much every day now, and not in dreamland, either. 

I got dressed and went looking for my BlackBerry and cell phone. They were both dead. I realized I was in an unfamiliar place and there might be a huge issue finding chargers for my electronic devices. I saw on a table in the living room of the place a jumble of chargers. I started looking through them. Each held promise, but when I got to the service end of it that was meant to interface with my phone or BlackBerry, it was the wrong type. I tried one. Then I tried another. None of the chargers fit. Somewhere in there somebody came to the door of the apartment. It was a guy from High School I haven’t seen in a long time and had no desire to see now, particularly in this desperate situation with the chargers and everything. He started to talk to me about insurance. I left him in the hall and continued looking. 

Finally I realized there was still a tiny bit of charge in my BlackBerry, because it was ringing. I answered it, even though I hate to use those things as a phone. They always remind me of Maxwell Smart talking to 99 with a shoe in his ear. 

“Hello?” I said into the dying BlackBerry. 

“You need help,” said a voice I didn’t recognize. “We’re all worried about you.” 

Then I woke up.  I wonder what it means. 

I’m glad I told you about it, even though I don’t feel much better. In fact, I now realize that my cell phone is downstairs and it’s getting kind of late. I wonder if I charged it last night. I fear I didn’t. See you later.

USA TODAY reportsthat this ferschlugginer economic crisis is hitting us where it really hurts: in our bodies. They say if you have your health you have everything. Now, thanks to all those idiot risk managers, bankers, real estate brokers, and assorted members of the $500 million exit-package club, we won’t even have that.

Since last year, when the spectre of all this nonsense began spoiling our lunch, polls reveal that:

• Irritability and anger is up 10% – some 60% of all respondents are more pissed off than they were last year;
• Fatigue is up 2%, with more than half staying awake long enough to report a problem;
• Sleeplessness is up 4%, which is a shame for all those fatigued people;
• Unhealthful eating is up 5%, and why not? We have to enjoy something, don’t we?
• Stress around relationships, family health problems, housing costs, personal health, job stability and of course money and the economy are also up, in some cases dramatically.

At the same time, the paper reports that 65% of all people now check their BlackBerry at least once an hour for their e-mail, with more than 40% dipping in every 30 minutes or less. I know what they’re talking about. It took me 20 minutes to write this and I checked my e-mail three times. Yes. I’m demented.

What do we do to manage this stress? As far as I can see, nothing fundamental is going to change any time soon, so management of the unacceptable, unpalatable and unpleasant becomes a crucial life issue.  Nothing seems to work very well – hence the climbing numbers in all negative categories – but solutions reportedly include:

• Listening to music
• Exercising
• Reading
• Sleeping
• Watching TV
• Drinking
• Smoking
• Going to religious services

It seems that more people go to their local church, synagogue, mosque or yurt (21%), than drink or smoke (18% and 16%, respectively). Of course, eating to reduce stress beats out all of those, at 34%. The effects of having a big sandwich with a couple or three frosty ones followed by a big, juicy Macanudo has yet to be ascertained. Want to join me?

Perhaps most interesting, in the end, is the fact that in spite of all the turmoil we are now experiencing on the macro scale, most Americans cite a thoroughly non-economic source as the top source of their stress. Can you guess what it is? Their spouse.

I find that kind of encouraging, don’t you?

Bailout? That was SO last week. The economy? Can’t we just declare a moratorium on the issue, like one of the candidates has suggested?

Sure we can. Now… Let’s see what else we can think about.

How about the beautiful Autumn colors? And how many people will now be enjoying them all the more because they have to walk, being no longer able to afford the price of a Sunday ride to the country? No, no. that’s not right.

How about the upcoming World Series? The Fall classic! We used to all hunker down as an entire nation and plug ourselves into it, game by game, just the way we sit around for hours now watching the red numbers go by at the bottom of the CNBC crawl… wait. Let’s start over.

How about all the sounds of the little children as they get themselves off to school? How fast they grow! Turn around and they’ll be marching off to college in no time, to the tune of $50,000 per year, money that was recently all-but assured in the low-risk money market fund that’s now down 20% year-to-year… good Lord. Hm.

How about the pleasures of the home? The feeling that we get as we gather around the hearth together for an evening, ma and pa quietly reading in their rockers, little Johnny and Jenny sprawled on the hook rug doing their homework, Alfalfa the old hound dog gnawing on the remains of a $30 t-bone. How we all scrimped and saved for that house! No, it’s not perfect. As the winter winds begin to head down from the north, you can feel the cold seep in from the windows, which need fixing again, could cost a couple thousand dollars there for sure, and the roof, well, let’s just hope it’s got another year or three in it, because that could be another $20,000 easy, which would be hard to bear since the Adjustable Rate Mortgage we took out in 1995 suddenly isn’t looking like such a good idea and there won’t be any raises for a good long time and, you know, it’s possible, things being what they are that there might not be any bonus coming in February… think about that. No bonus.

Just might have to sell the cow to make ends meet.

You see? It should be easy to stop thinking about the economy. Now if I could just stop thinking about money…