Hi there. I’m in Vegas again, having flown here next to two lovely women in perfectly pressed pant suits who conversed with each other over the strategic plan of their real estate enterprise for TWO SOLID HOURS. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t read. Couldn’t even say anything to them like, “Please be quiet, I’m begging you,” because, well, they were just so NICE.

This put me in mind of the concept we explored yesterday, the one concerning the establishment of a Rudeness Police, hereinafter referred to, when I wish, as the RP. It seems to have touched a nerve with a lot of you, and although I haven’t really done this yet, I thought I would share the pet peeves of some of you that have been cordially annoyed enough at the behavior of your fellow citizens to commit yourself to writing.

Fern of Fair Lawn, New Jersey, a state far more polite than its reputation, I think, relates hers (warning — some of these are pretty disgusting, although the fact that they even exist makes them worthy of RP note):

1. Broken Snapple and/or bottles all over the street. I always hope the kids (or adults) who threw them will somehow run over them when they drive by.
2. Emptied bottles of water now filled with urine — no joke (and I live in pretty upscale Bergen County).
3. Used condoms tossed on the street. 
4. Holding the door open for someone at a store or at the movie theatre and they walk through and don’t say “thank you.”
5. People talking on the phone while they are sitting with me at lunch. (I don’t think I’m THAT boring.

The tersely named “C” in Montclair, which is also in New Jersey for some reason, writes, “What about including loud eaters? Nothing is more disturbing than listening to the patron seated behind you shovel popcorn into their mouth like they haven’t eaten for days, while I sit there in agony secretly hoping they accidentally bite off their own fingers and choke – could we please add these people to your list? I for one think electronic dog collars are a great solution…perhaps we could up the ante by having repeat offenders sit in buckets of water while they watch the movie.” C adds at the end, “By the way – you rock Stanley!” Thanks, C. Back at ya!

Peter, who could live nowhere but in New York, suggests that “The seats in theaters should be wired to submit shocks to people who start talking and being rude. I say we give them 15 seconds then freakin’ zap’em! Even better (If I were king), I’d issue electric collars like we do for dogs and when people’s bad behavior begins, send a current through them that’ll make’em think twice! Kudos to Regal. They’re on the right track.” Personally, I think that’s a little excessive. As we assemble the RP, we should watch that we don’t simply punish people for every minor infraction. AB in Providence, for instance, relates that “while waiting for the bus, I saw a woman who sat in her car and let it IDLE for over ten minutes while she read the paper. Mind you it was a comfortable, dry 65 this morning so there was no need to leave the car running for heat or air conditioning. What a waste of gas… and oxygen.” I agree, of course, since I spend a lot of time in California and am very green now. But I’m not sure environmental insensitivity should classify somebody as worthy of detainment. “It works both ways,” says Philip of Smithtown, NY. “How about theater chains start having some respect for their paying patrons and eliminate the commercial advertisements before the movie. I think it is rather rude on the part of the theater chains to go in to a movie after having paid $8 or $9/ticket and be subjected to 5 to 10 minutes of advertisements. If I want advertisements, I can watch TV!” Now there’s a solution! Big screen! Your own couch! And TV, too! What a thrill!

Okay, I saw a little piece this morning on TV that explained why gasoline prices just reached an all-time high today. The average price of a gallon of gas in the United States is now $3.10, up a nickel over last week. The reason, it turns out, is NOT that we’re nearing Memorial Day and the gas companies are sliding the prices up to make sure they squeeze every last nickel out of us as we drive around looking for someplace to swim.

No, it has to do, apparently, with Law of Supply and Demand. See, for some reason production of gasoline is down while demand is up 1% over a year ago. This reduction in production is unrelated, it seems, to the desire to maximize price.  It’s just, you know, a coincidence of some sort. Around this time every year, supply goes down, demand goes up, and gas prices hit record highs because it’s all some kind of coincidental situation.

The President has appeared to appeal to all citizens to rely less on foreign oil. Who could argue with that? See, if we rely less on foreign oil then demand will go down and prices will fall, right around the time, I bet, when we all stop driving so much because it’s snowing outside. That will be a big coincidence too.

Well, you know what? I believe in the law of supply and demand. I believe that we should be less dependent on foreign oil, indeed on any oil, except olive oil, which is exceptionally good in both salads and the sauteeing of veal, chicken and vegetables.  One thing I do not believe in, however, is coincidence.

I am now at the age of reason, if only briefly. And I believe that something very, very suspicious is going on here. I won’t say what. But no sir, I don’t like it.

That’s why I think all of us who drive anything that requires carbon-based fuels should stand up, go to the window, open it wide, lean our heads out and yell, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!” No, wait a minute. That’s from a movie. Nonetheless, I think we may have reached a point, at which gasoline rises coincidentally around Labor Day to $4.00 a gallon, for us to band together and send a message loud and clear to the behemoths that float our boats, cars and other transportation.

Impossible? I think not! Here are just a few actions we can all take to make our voices heard in the oil capitals of the world and Texas.

1. We can walk. Over Memorial Day Weekend, I’m planning to leave my car at home and walk to Sonoma County, which is only 60 or 70 miles from my place just north of San Francisco. If my wife and I walk very briskly, I believe we can make it to the bed and breakfast we’ve got picked out, spend a few hours there, turn around and walk home. Take that, oil barons!
2. We can swim. My friends, the Norbert-Harberts, usually eat up thousands of gallons of gasoline taking their big, fat, disgusting yacht out for the full four days of the Memorial Day weekend, sometimes going as far as Jamaica in search of rum, fun and sun. This year, the Norbert-Harberts are saying Nerts! to the oil industry and setting out for Jamaica Bay in matching outfits from Saks Fifth Avenue. True, the Jamaica Bay in question is in Queens, a suburb of New York, but hey — baby steps, ladies and gentlemen.
3. We can make a loud noise! Each time we go to a pump sporting the average price or higher, we can make our opinion known to the gentleman who is taking our credit card. Give him a piece of your mind! I bet that’ll upset him and he’ll pass the message all the way up to the big boys!
4. Give Praise: All those gas stations who charge even one penny less than the national average should be congratulated for not taking part in the cynical dance. Bring flowers to the guys in that little office with the maps and overflowing ashtray. Perhaps a sandwich. Tell your friends that there are still places in the world where greed does not rule and an American citizen can get a break, even if it is only for a penny.
5. Stay put: Enormous, flat-screen TVs do not run on gasoline. Cold cuts and chips require no cooking. You CAN make a difference!

Those are just a few beginning ideas. I’m open to yours. What are YOU going to do?